A year ago when I started playing Star Trek Online I was just another grinder. Spending hours on end doing campaign missions and PvE's just to get something a few numbers better than the thing I had before. The eternal search for something better that forms most MMORPG's these days. It wasn't something that I would have kept going for this long.
But then I came across some Roleplayer's at DS9 and I was intrigued. So I joined a fleet who did it and dived in...and thus began a much more interesting and exciting exploration of STO. I found the RP of MMORPG. Sure it gets attacked by trollers like Dental and sure people look at us kinda odd but im a Furry....kinda used to it.
I have a lot of toons now. A Starfleet Commodore renowned for having a brilliant mind yet is far too young for his job and takes silly risks. A Gorn, giant lizard, called Rex, super intelligent and swarve. I have aliens, humans from other times but there is one character who seems to have a special place. He's called Raptor. Technically he's a Gorn, 9 feet of scales and muscle. Story wise hes from another time and another place. He's flirty, but can be charming. He likes a joke but knows how to be serious. He puts everyone else before himself and he'd risk everything for those he cares for.
But...when I think about it...that's everything I stand for.
See...one day Raptor walked into DS9's bar...one day...in one month...at one precise time...in one precise instance of ds9 out of 5...and me and him found someone who would alter ourselves. He's called Bore by most people. He plays a Romulan, one that has a bad reputation. But when I bumped into him...
You see...it was an instant thing...in just a week me and bore we're beyond friends. Raptor had a companion in his life. But...as time went on it started becoming more...the line between Raptor and myself...the line between Raptors feelings and my own became blurred. Something had clicked. Not just in my brain but in my heart aswell.
My flatmates laugh about it...they call it Dissociative Roleplaying Syndrome. The inability to tell whats real and not...more than that, the fact my Gorn keeps popping into my head at night talking to me...sounds fucked up I know but...I guess that's life.
Over 8 months have passed since I/Raptor met Bore...and...I cant imagine the last few months without him...but this has landed me with so many problems...and hurt for both of us...that is the human us...
So I ponder when is Roleplay not Roleplay anymore...where are the lines now? In my mind...they have gone. Its no longer Raptors words I write but my own...its no longer My life but Raptors...its all blurred together and....I like it. I enjoy it...more than that I love it...and I love him...he occupies a special place in my heart now...I know sometimes he is unsure of my feelings...probably thinks I use him...replace him with others when it suits but...I really don't. My heart and Raptors are the same...a single heart not two...and while I may not be a 9 foot hunk of scales, I know what I feel. This isn't Roleplay anymore...this is my life with him...because I cant be with him for real...not yet...maybe one day I don't know, the future is unwritten...
I don't know why I wrote this...maybe...I just want him to understand he means something massive to me...something I don't even understand myself. This isn't roleplay anymore...its life...and...for me and him to hit it off so amazingly...of all the millions that play the game...seems...destined rather than random.
Maybe it was...maybe it wasn't...but I do know that I wouldn't change it for the world.